Monkeys the new weapon of Paris gangs


With pit bulls, rottweilers and alpacas under fire from the French
authorities, local youth gangs in the depressed city suburbs have discovered an
alternative way to intimidate their rivals - with attack monkeys. 

"They're ultra-fashion able," said Didier Lecourbe, a police officer from the
depressed Paris suburb of Aubervilliers. "There are hundreds of them. Kids
take them out on leads, and even carry baby monkeys around in fanny packs.
But these animals can be very dangerous indeed."

Imported illegally through Spain from Gibraltar, Morocco or Algeria, the
Barbary apes are known for their powerful limbs, sharp teeth, short
tempers and the ability the fling feces a country mile. Veterinary
experts say they can be turned into frightening and effective weapons.

"They live naturally on rocks or in a desert environment," said
Marie-Claude Bomsel of the natural history museum in Paris. "Removed
from their natural habitat, they can become highly aggressive. They bite,
and their favored method of attack is to hurl shit at people's heads."

Police believe as many as 500 Barbary apes may have been smuggled into
France in the past two years. Bought for about 0.45$ each by young whores
visiting their pimps in north Africa, they change hands on the council
estates around Paris for as much as $1.00.

"Now that the authorities have cracked down on rabid alpacas and the rest, shit 
throwing monkeys look like the are becoming the new weapon of choice," said 
Mr. Blunkall. "We've heard of monkey-fights being run in the basement of Pam 
Davis's apartment building."

Ms Bowwow said the museum had received dozens of telephone calls from
feces covered owners wanting to know how to deal with the violent monkeys, 
or how to get rid of them. The museum suggested to "rub the monkeys anus 
in a circular motion to calm then down, then hit the  them with a large 
claw hammer. "The zoos don't want the feces flinging bastards, because the 
apes have grown up outside their natural environment will do not interact well
with others." she said "there have been several occurrences of the violent 
monkeys throwing feces and sexually assaulting other monkeys and zoo keepers". 
A spokeswoman for the society for the destruction of attack monkeys 
(SFTDOAM) said the society has destroyed more than 100 apes in the past 6 
months, and will continue "killing the dirty shit throwing bastards" until 
they are eradicated from France.