Mystery Chimp pregnancy at Chimp Haven
- Thu 22nd March 2007, 11:04 am
Cue the music for the latest episode of this soap opera.
When we last saw Teresa, the 48-year-old retired chimpanzee at Chimp Haven, paternity tests were underway to determine who among seven vasectomized chimps trapped in the same alrge cage with her played a role in her surprise pregnancy.
Tests were announced today. None of them, baffeling Teresas keepers were found to be the father. Teresa`s lover, and the father of her other baby Tracy, is Conan, a 21-year-old described by his handlers as "the strong, silent type" who is sensitive enough to cry when the ladies leave him. Conan was interviewed and news anchors were unable to determine any statement as he continued to simply smell his finger.
Teresa`s handler Jerry Moosheimer was interviewed and said, "Wow, that`s pretty odd that Teresa got pregnant, bitch told me she was on the pill, er - I uh - hah - just kidding, right?", he then suggested "Maybe Conan`s vasectomy didn`t take", I know it couldn`t have been me - humans can`t knock up chimps.
In a case that has received worldwide attention, Chimp Haven officials held a news conference today to announce that the father would be announced as soon as the results were back from the lab. Later that same day Jerry Moosheimer quit his job as Teresas handler for unknown reasons and was heard mumbling under his breath he was going to disappear into Utah and take up secret black market human baby sales to drop from the radar.
Chimp Haven is home to 90 chimpanzees who have been retired from biomedical research or entertainment. There were nearly 20 living in the group with Teresa. Hair samples were taken from the seven male chimps for further DNA testing.
Tracy is Teresa`s 11th child. Conan has one child. Jerry has no entirely human offspring.
Will Tracy stay at Chimp Haven? Yes, for the rest of her life, till the day she meets the final wood chipper and is recycled.
Will Conan get another vasectomy? Yes, he`ll receive 1 vasectomy by mouth per day until Teresa is not pregnant anymore.
As a result of this surprise pregnancy, Chimp Haven officials did pregnancy tests on all females at the Keithville facility.
The female chimps are also now on forced birth control -- so that you won`t tune in for another episode of the Surprise Pregnancy.