This story is one that I've been telling for some years and was one that started back when I lived in Alaska. This is a true story as freaky as it sounds myself and another witnessed this horrific event and it is something that we will not soon forget. This story is not intended for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach. For some background you will have to understand that life in Alaska is often quite boring and leaves you with a want to do something - different. Often times we would fill this need with illegal or border line illegal activities. This particular night we had engaged in some shopping cart bowling with my 1979 Chevy Luv. Often times when we would engage in such activities it was late enough that the store (the local K-Mart) and the adjacent parking lots would be non populated to allow us to pursue our post curricular activities unmolested - by cops. These plans for bowling don't usually take in account for over-achiever, follicaly challenged, custodial engineers lingering around in the woman's lingerie section of K-Mart after hours. Perhaps they should. Anyway... We were doing our duty to ensure that all K-Mart customers for the next couple of weeks had to work hard for their blue light specials (you ever seen a 86 year old grandma push a shopping cart with three wheels? Heeeh.) when we heard sirens coming in the background over the drone of my elite exhaust (shotgun blast holes). We decided to take to the rubber and road - balls out. We departed the parking lot at near ludicrous speed (see: Space Balls - the movie) and headed for the nearest safe haven we could find. In this case it ended up to be my friend "Walkers" (real name with-held to protect the innocent) house. He had a garage and we could stash our bowling ball of hate within that garage thus evading the fuzz and keeping us from unwantingly pursuing the prison bitch life style. Having tits tattooed on my back is not my idea of a good time (sorry Bubba!). We pulled up and dived into the garage at near mach speed and came to a screeching halt - another successful high speed docking and night of shopping cart bowling. No one went to jail. The best thing to do once you have had a successful night of shopping cart bowling is to stay home for the evening - after all, when you reach scores of what we have the fuzz are probably going to be launching a major man hunt for your ass for the next week with orders to seek and destroy. So, we decided twas the time to just kick it and watch movies till the near fourth of July light show of police cars zigging around outside and the wail of sirens died down. It was getting late and Walker had fed the animals shortly after feeding us with pizza and Mt. Dew. You gotta realize that Walker had one of those families that was transplanted there in Alaska from some other southern state and in that southern state they grew pigs, cows etc. Since moving to Alaska is kind of tough on larger livestock they (I guess) only brought the smaller stuff like pigs, chickens etc. The way they had their "pens" setup was they had a back porch that led off of the front room - more like a patio actually. Off that patio/porch they had the pens where the animals were kept. The main reason for doing this was so that various Alaskan predators would find the pig n chickens tasty snacks so Walkers family felt they could better keep an eye on the animals if they were close. So there they sat, outside the sliding glass window, wallowing, clicking er whatever. While watching the movie (I swear I can't remember what the hell it was - maybe Clerks?) a loud snort sound came from outside the patio window - VERY LOUD. Loud enough that it had caught both of our attention and we were both staring out the patio door into the darkness past the pens. Walker and I looked at each other then hopped to our feet to run to the glass. We surveyed the surroundings but didn't (couldn't) see anything much at all. We looked down and saw the pigs who were closest and had the biggest pen were backed up near the house side of the fence - obviously freaked out from something. Most animals when freaked out make some sort of panic sound to a point then when they fear for their lives with mortal fear they are silent - such were these animals. They knew something we didn't. Another snort sent us slowly backing away slowly from the window but unblinking. NOW we were scared. The frequency of the snorts picked up until we could just make out a large black image moving, out past the perimeter of the lights. Walker asked me if I could make out what it was and I replied with a shaken "Noooo". I started to wish my pistol wasn't left at home anymore. It was a bear. He seemed to pace about right to left just outside the reach of the light generated by the porch light. This was rather freaky as it seemed like something within the coverage of the light held his interest. For some reason we didn't realize that the door behind which we were standing just happened to be in the middle of the light. He stopped then looked to be readying himself for a charge, we backed up some more until the backs of our legs butted up against their couch. We were frozen - that's the only way I can explain it. Not by fear, not by panic but from the want to see what happens next. He charged. He ran straight toward us and heaved himself right over the pen wall. Our backs were already to the sofa or we would have broke and ran I'm sure. But noooo we were protected by the one pane sliding glass door on the porch. Death was certain. Oddly enough the bear didn't come crashing through the window and munch on our skulls in fact he started chasing around the male pig in the main pen. Odd, we moved closer to the window so we could get a better view of the action after all it was clear we weren't going to sacrifice our lives to save a slab of pork. Finally the bear did a football (heh, pigskin joke) tackle of the pig and despite the attitude and fear that the pig was feeling the pig could not get away. What happened next was probably the most shocking thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. The bear mounted the pig. I don't even have a clue of how to start to describe something like that but it was in fact quite epic. He seemed to kneel behind the pig (can bears kneel?) and settle himself on it's back. To prevent the pig from running (I imagine either that or it's just that much more pleasureful) the bear seemed to be attempting to stuff the pig back onto his penis - similar to what you might look like trying to cram a gerbil into a Pringles can. While the bear began his evil work of love the pig was taking an obvious aversion to getting pumped by the bear. Now, personally I can't tell if that was a. because the bear was technically out of the species (yet still in the genus?) b. he was male and not built for male bear love or c. the bear didn't shave often. Personally I'd imagine the uncomfortability factor would be high. VERY high. Anyway, the swine was still really giving a fight, screaming bloody murder and bouncing around to beat the band. Course, I can't say if that was just because he was being rode by a bear, hell, I dunno. Actually, I don't WANT to know. This all seemed to take a very long time even thought I know it's not supposed to take very long (more then a second or two) for Mr. Bear to get his rocks off. Maybe it was the train wreck thing - you know, if you are in a serious accident like a train wreck or witness one or something time just slows down. The bear concluded the action with a final huff, puff and a final lurch forward. The bear in his lurch forward seemed to kind of fall off the pig or rather off to one side. The pig also fell, to the other side, laying there on it's side. It seemed to still be alive but it was clear it wasn't amused by the whole shindig. The bear seemed to be in some sort of "after glow" as he was slumped off to the side a couple of feet away from the pig - not really paying any attention to the pig. The pork then tried to struggle to it's feet but it looked like it was in quite a bit of pain - it slumped back to the ground whining. What was clear now was the pig had been in fact screwed like I'm sure he had never been screwed in his life. His rear was within the view of the door now and I could see his anus was enlarged - very unnaturally I might add (like I'm a pig anus expert). There was a little bit of blood but I looked away pretty rapidly because well hell, this is not something you want haunting you in your sleep, am I right? Spread pig ass is not on my normal porn surfing agenda. Walker and I looked at each other with that - holy shit, did you see that - expression. Then we decided that now was time to do something, what we didn't know but something! Who do you call for something like that? The police? The fish and game department? The fire department? Jerry Springer? Anyway, we started running around trying to find the phone quickly before the bear took off. We turned our backs to the window and went about trying to find the cordless phone. What happened next I can say with ease changed my life. I heard an even more piercing scream then before and I looked at Walker who was digging under a sofa cushion right as he looked at me. It was clear we both had heard the sound and it wasn't just a figment of our imaginations. We sprinted back to the window - me hurdling the couch. The bear was back on the pig. This time though he wasn't speaking the international (and apparently cross species) language of love. He was beginning to consume the pig. All thoughts of calling Fish and Game vaporized as we soon thought of calling in the national guard. Walker and I stared on as the bear began to munch part by part of the pig. We just couldn't talk. It was probably the rudest thing I've ever seen. I mean you don't just screw some animal then eat it. Er, so I heard. So that's what I said to break the silence. "That is the most rude thing I've ever seen..." What we saw was absolutely disgusting, the pig was quite literally torn limb from little porky limb right in front of us. When the bear had finished he slumped back again - almost sitting up like a human. Something about the pig caught my eye. The bear had not eaten the ass of the pig. OMFG. The bear humped the pig and ate him - ok that is hard to believe but I saw it happen... But the bear not eating the ass really had me over a barrel. Not only did he not eat the ass but the entire rear portion of the pig was left unmarred (except for the obvious gaping, somehow dripping, baseball sized hole for an ass). The bear went as far as to not even eat the rear legs. The rest was gone. The thing that all these years I've thought about was why didn't the bear eat the ass of the pig - he ate the rest. What I have come up with is this: It was a roving, retarded pervert bear (RRPB for short). I believe it knew the pig was somehow related and being perverted thought that it'd make for quick relief. He humped the pig. The bear realized it was hungry so it thought the now well drilled pork would make a great meal. It started eating the pig but as it neared the ass it realized what it had just done to the ass of the pig and what it probably deposited in it's ass. Hunger was lost. The bear decided it would leave the drilled ass there on the ground then make it's escape. Which it did, it hopped right back over the fence and ran off into the darkness. Suddenly the spell of awe was lifted and we sprang to work silently looking for the phone. We called the police and told them that we had livestock that had been attacked by a "RRPB". The cop showed with the fish n game people... Imagine there face when we told them that story...